I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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