I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
