If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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