Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this just has baby written all over it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
