Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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