Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
