Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize