just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
