Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize