On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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