i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
