I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
