Define "chronic" masturbator.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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