Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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