If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
