i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
