i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
