happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
