It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
