Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
