I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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