WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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