You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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