Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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