The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
