i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
