I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
