ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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