there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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