i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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