just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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