yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
