So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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