Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Shame - the story of my life.
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