apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's like iHOP with fire
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
