please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
