Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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