The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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