My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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