I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
