im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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