i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
