I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
