When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
