Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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