I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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