Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
