KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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