New invention idea: vibrating tampons
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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