I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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