i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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