Ketchup is God's man juice
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
