Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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