Your dad touched me again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
