i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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